My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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