it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
