I like to think it a success when the cops are called
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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