Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
