sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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