If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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