I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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