In the future we'll all be gay
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So much rum. So many feels.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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