Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
