Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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