What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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