he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
