just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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