This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
what day is it and did you see me today?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
