she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
