Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
