I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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