mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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