My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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