And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
