Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
