South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
