I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The uberlube is also flammable
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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