I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
