Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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