he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
