I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
