Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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