What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
