I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
