May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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