Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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