Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
