So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
