Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
