The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
