before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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