Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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