Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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