I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
