and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
