Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
