I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
