My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
