She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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