ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
