I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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