i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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