Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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