Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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