Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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