she was so not down for the gang bang
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
