gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
